Essay Writing

[Lebe-dein-leben]

Bonjour à tous! Voici ce que j'ai rédigé, quelqu'un pourrait-il y jeter un coup d'oeil et me dire ce qu'il qui ne va pas? Merci beaucoup!

Le sujet était le suivant: Can you remember a particular episode in your life that changed you profoundly?

After this particular episode in my life, a question comes to me: "is everything already written?" March 12, 2013 profoundly changed me forever. An earthquake in my life, but also in my values, my worldview... It's so incredible! I was more likely to be struck by lightning than to experience what I experienced that day! So, of course , I wonder all the time : "why me?" It happened on March 12, 2013. The day of the Saint Justine in France. All to become sounded. All to become superstitious...

It all started one day when I was walking home from the school...

I used to leave school and go directly to the Charleville train station, where I take every day the train from 5:22 p.m. towards Reims. I used to go down to the second step: Poix-Terron. There, my father waits for me every day in the car because we live 5km from the Poix-Terron station . But that day, Tuesday, March 12, 2013, my father wasn't there...

He sent me a message to tell me he would be late due to an incident at work. So I had to wait 15 minutes. But I'm a very impatient person and I don't like wasting my time doing nothing. I decided to start walking. It's a straight road to the house. Gradually, I walk away from the station. I'm continuing to move straight ahead.

In a moment, I saw something on the floor right there, on the sidewalk.I decided to approach me the object and I saw that it was a lottery ticket. A scratched off lottery ticket. I took it very carefully, hoping someone had made a mistake and gave up its thinking not being a winner. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then I opened one eye first. I noticed that it was a winner! But I thought that the person had given up it because the amount of the winnings was going to be a very small amount. I still had one eye closed when I saw a number 12 on the front. However, as I opened the other eye I saw a 12 followed by three zeros! It was incredible! My eyes almost popped out of their sockets! I was flabbergasted and I started jumping, laughing and shouted. I was impatient and excited about telling the miracle that had taken place!

15 minutes had elapsed. My father met me on the way going at the station by car, because I had started to move. He stopped and I went up in the car. Immediately I told everything to my father. He didn't believe me, I showed him the ticket and I saw emerging on his face a big smile. Indeed, Tuesday, March 12, 2013, after returning from school, I won 12,000 Euros.

So I decided to apply my rule of thirds. Firstly I placed a third of the money in a bank account for the future. Secondly I chose to keep a third to make me happy: parties, outings, clothing, accessories, hi-tech, apartment refitted, buying my future car ... And at last I naturally used all the rest for my family and relative friends. I wanted to make them happy and they were pleased with all my gifts.

So "why me?" It was incredible, I felt like in a dream. It's almost as if I had received a blow on the head. In fact It's only when I received the check and that things became official that I really realized. Can we imagine that "is everything already written?" If I found this ticket, It was a coincidence, a chance or perhaps the fate, who knows? I don't know, I'll never know.

NB: il s'agit d'une histoire inventée, cela ne m'est jamais arrivée

[Jean B]

Bonsoir,

After this particular episode in my life, a question comes to me: "is everything already written?" March 12, 2013 profoundly changed me forever. An earthquake in my life, but also in my values, my worldview... It's so incredible! I was more likely to be struck by lightning than (to) experience what I experienced that day! So, of course , I wonder all the time : "why me?" It happened on March 12, 2013. The day of the Saint Justine in France. Everything / All to become sounded knocked out. Everything / All to become superstitious... < to sound = sonner (le clairon) <---> sonner (chute/boxe) = to knock out Quel dictionnaire utilises-tu ?

It all started one day when I was walking home from the school...

I used to leave school and go directly to the Charleville train station, where I take every day the 5:22 p.m. train from 5:22 p.m. towards Reims. I used to go down to the second step stop / halt / station: Poix-Terron. There, my father waits for me every day in the car because we live 5km from the Poix-Terron station. But that day, Tuesday, March 12, 2013, my father wasn't there...

He sent me a message to tell me he would be late due to an incident at work. So I had to wait 15 minutes. But I'm a very impatient person and I don't like wasting my time doing nothing. I decided to start walking. It's a straight road to the house. Gradually, I walked away from the station. I'm continuing to move kept moving straight ahead. <Tu es dans le récit d'un évènement passé = preterit. Relis-toi.

In a moment, I saw something on the floor ground right there, on the sidewalk.<J'ignorais que les routes pouvaient être carrelées et parfois même parquetées en Champagne ! La classe ! I decided to go near / approach me the object and I saw that it was a lottery ticket. A scratched off lottery ticket. I picked it up / took it very carefully, hoping someone had made a mistake and given up its thinking the idea of not being a winner.< Sois logique. Si la personne a abandonné l'idée de ne pas être gagnante, c'est qu'elle a espoir de l'être. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then I opened one eye first. I noticed that it was a winner! But I thought that the person had given it up because the amount of the winnings was going to be a very small amount one.<L'emploi du pronom permet d'éviter la répétition du nom. I still had one eye closed when I saw a number 12 on the front. However, as I opened the other eye I saw a 12 followed by three zeros! It was incredible! My eyes almost popped out of their sockets! I was flabbergasted and I started jumping, laughing and shouting. I was impatient and excited about telling the miracle that had taken place!

15 minutes had elapsed. My father met me on the way going at the station by car, because I had started to move.<Tu l'as déjà dit. He stopped and I went up in got into the car. Immediately I told everything to my father. He didn't believe me, I showed him the ticket and I saw a big smile emerging on his face.<Le COD se place immédiatement derrière le verbe. Indeed, Tuesday, March 12, 2013, after returning from school, I won 12,000 Euros.

So I decided to apply my rule of thirds. Firstly I placed put / deposited a third of the money into a bank account for the future. Secondly I chose to keep a third to make me happy: parties, outings, clothing, accessories, hi-tech, apartment refitted, buying my future car ... And at last I naturally used all the rest for my family, relatives and friends. I wanted to make them happy and they were pleased with all my gifts.

So "why me?" It was incredible, I felt like in a dream. It's almost as if I had received a blow on the my head. In fact It's only when I received the check and that things became official that I really realized. Can we imagine that "is everything is already written?" If I found this ticket, It was a coincidence, a chance or perhaps the fate, who knows? I don't know, I'll never know.

Sans vouloir t'offenser, tu me donnes l'impression d'avoir écrit ça au fil de la plume, d'où ces nombreuses erreurs.

Tu m'avais habitué à beaucoup mieux.

[Lebe-dein-leben]

Bonsoir,

C'est vrai que le sujet ne m'inspirait pas vraiment et que j'étais pressée, j'ai tapé ce texte "à la va-vite" dans le train.

Mais honnêtement avec tout ce que j'ai a réviser pour le bac blanc, j'ai voulu boucler ce travail le plus rapidement possible. Donc je n'ai sans doute pas assez pris de temps pour me relire suffisamment. J'en suis consciente et je ne m'attend pas à une appréciation extraordinaire de mon prof d'anglais demain...

En tout cas merci beaucoup pour cette correction! Bonne soirée